Okay. The Scarecrow and Hal were bloody fucking frightened out of their bloody minds by a rampaging elephant.
They somehow managed to find safety on the yellow brick road which was way the hell out of the way. Nevertheless, the two old pros did it and that attests to the athleticism that Australians and Kiwis possess.
Of course, the two have no idea that The Cowardlly Lion has overheard their sleepy dialogue and now are faced with a committment to select the best of the rest for Saturday's test.
Neither one is hungover but Oz is a difficult trek for even the best of men. As the two were hiking along ,an unusual creature(Eddie Jones), kept harrassing them for no apparent reason.
Anyway, just about this time there was some rustling in the bush and who should appear but The Tinman(Graham Henry), absolutely delighted that he was rust free, thanks to Toto having gone off on an adventure of its own with The Cowardly Lion(Pieter de Villiers).
Sadly Toto was tracking down The Cowardly Lion and pissing on him left and right.
This urinary torture was mild compared to the incessant chatter of the unusual creature, yet to be defined, who kept up his annoying verbosity up as The Scarecrow and his servant, Hal, wandered on toward the city of Oz and that magical and mystical hermaphrodite Wizard(Alan Jones) who knew all the rugby answers the world was yet to even ask.
Just about this time that pompous and unusual creatue let loose with a loud, purposeful flatulence that awakened the entire forest for many miles.
He had a shit eating grin as the odious odor pervaded aw it was carried by the wind.
He was interested in the selections of the Wallabies and was willing to 'smell them out' if necessary.
Meanwhile The Cowardly Lion had found another pub and was pounding beers at the bar with anyone and everyone who was interested in his rugby poppycock, especially a drug addicted skunk by the name of Pepe Le Muir.
Lucky for him , this part of the Emerald Forest was full of rugby enthusiasts and his stupidity was mistaken for profundiity. He was indeed in the vicinity of The Black Forest, a place he felt most at ease and even comfortable after the abuse that had fallen upon him in his drunken state with Hal and The Scarecrow.
Unfortunately that fucking mongrel Toto(Martin Johnson) insisted upon humping him every so often and and 'relieving' himself incessantly on his hind paws.
There was more to this fucking dog Toto than meets the eye, the obtuse lion thought as he brought another lager to his mustachioed mouth.

I am offended with which drama the Irish now, after a couple of Heineken Cups, take their rugby.
If the Irish had to rely on homegrown talent in any competition they would be as bad a Scotland in their entrants.
Now, the big topic is the replacement , or possible replacement of O'Driscoll at Leinster(Cullen is already Captain) and Ireland.
Why not? I am one of those who believe his level of play has diminished while captaining both club and country.
Many say that he is too old. I would agree. But the choices that have been thrust forward?
Yet they suggest O'Gara, O'Connell, Best, Quinlan and Hayes, amongst others advanced in age. I would almost be compelled to say , in another year's time, that 50% of those players will be long gone and replaced by youngsters. I don't care about the Lions tour and how many Irish Bozos will be selected.
The present Irish team is in worse shape that it has ever been. It isn't going to improve if they keep bring in SH players into the country. The old story is specific to a small player pool country like Ireland. If homegrown players aren't played. the prospects of diminished returns in competition will increase tenfold. Declan Kidney doesn't have a snowflakes chance in hell. He is following in what Clive Woodward left the RFU. Nothing.
The Irish Bozos. Another NH hyped up rugby country that is going nowhere fast.

When we last left The Cowardly Lion he was drunk and irritable and out of control. Hal had kicked his ass and The Scarecrow had gathered enough information to make the lion look and act the part of both cowardly and incoherent, which he was by nature..
As stupid as The Cowardly Lion is, he still had a devious trick up his sleeve to finally get even with The Scarecrow and Hal. It was one of those strange occurrences that happens to an idiot once in his lifetime.
Please not that time is all relative in Oz.
By the time The Cowardly Lion had awakened, pulled himsellf together, and realized what he had done, he was both humiliated and ashamed. He realized that he had let his little congregation down. He also knew that it was traditional in such instances to have his locks shorn by drunken Kiwi sheep shearers, including his private parts, which many believed did not exist.
Fortune smiled on him that day because as he stumbled along in the forest who should he come across sleeping in a green lush thicket The Scarecrow(Robbie Deans) and Hal.
The normally idiotic Cowardly Lion had a rare bit of accidental insight when he heard and realized that The Scarecrow was talking in his sleep. In fact, the two sleeping Wallaby representatives were actually conversing in a half dazed sleep unaware that The Cowardly Lion(Pieter de Villiers) was now sitting next to them trying to remember exactly what they were saying. Naturally most of the information eluded him but it just so happened that a baby elephant was wandering nearby and became curious about the unusual situation at hand.
The Cowardly Lion, knowing that he was too stupid to remember anything important, asked the baby elephant, well known for its prodigious memory, to record the conversation and meet him later in the day where he would be well fed and watered as reward for an accurate and truthful account bbetween his two former friends.
The baby pachyderm agreed and the meeting was set.
Just at that moment the baby elephant's protective mother appeared angrily on the scene and charged the two sleeping Wallabies and The Cowardly Lion. who made great haste to avoid the ensueing situation. He wasn't that stupid afterall he later thought to himself.
Hiding behind a tree he watched as the furious mother stampeded the unaware Australian rugby brains, badly frightening the confused and running Scarecrow ,and hurtling Hal into a nearby tar pool with her huge trunk.
The Cowardly Lion got a good laugh as The Scarecrow lost a lot of his stuffing and Hal, after manging to drag himself from the Tar Pool, began to have a hideous time trying to remove the black stuff from his body.
The Cowardly Lion looked at his Mickey Mouse watch and made way to his rendevous with the baby Leicester elephant, affably known as Heinie.
The lion soon realized that Heinie managed to memorize the entire dialogue between the Wallaby think tanks and things were certain to be different this time around in Johannsburg, well known for brave and ferocious lions.
But, as usual, something bizarre once again befell the thick skinned and thick sculled Cowardly Lion as Toto(Martin Johnson) found him and began , as always ,to hump his tail after he performed the ritualistic and humiliating tinkle on his hind paws.
The Cowardly Lion was finding it difficult being around Toto but was relieved when he saw a male Rhodesian Ridgeback(Jake White) named Jake, in heat, ambling after the tiny Toto. Fortune was truly on his side he sighed this time around.
The poltroonish lion could hardly wait for his rendevous with Heinie and, after a long hard chuckle at the plight of The Scarecrow and Hal, began searching for the huge Van der Linde tree that their meeting was to be held under.
Secretly The Cowardly Lion couldn't help wondering if the mean elephant's mother would somehow showup. As was his custom, he began chewing and pulling on his tail, which had already been shortened by several metres during his sojourn in Oz.

The rugby scene is just about to explode. The competitions in New Zealand and South Africa and even in Australia are approaching the halfway and the NH is just beginning to take shape.

Believe it or not, the 3N is just about over and the preparation for the NH tours is just ahead.
It is almost unbelieveable how quickly things are changing.

It is already Wednesday and not much drama regarding this week's test between Australia and South Africa. The Springboks are disppointingly and predictably wooden spooners.

I don't know what to say about last week's match because I have only seen it once and maybe that was one time too many.

The aftermath is almost ridiculous.

The Durban crowd booing off the Springboks. I'll bet you haven't heard that before. The South African Lillywhites calling for the head of Pieter de Villiers six months into his campaign.
Imagine if he were Jake White.
Speaking of Jake White, where is the olde farte?
A couple of things worth commenting upon.
Can you imagine in youir wildest dreams Bok prop CJ Van der Linde getting a 4 week suspension for head butting? He might as well have recieve three lashes by a wet noodle on his bare back.
It's almost insulting that Rocky Elsom gets a week for pulling down Victor Matfield in a lineout.
I mean it is only a split second occurrence before he could have legitimately pulled down the maul, for Christ's sake!
That's rugby.
If I were in the ruling class, I would have lashed the entire referee consortium to barnacle bottomed prison ship. They have a word for throwing guys overboard and pulling them under the boat. After an experience like that the referees would be shark chum and deservedly so.

So there is much hype so far. The Wallabies will have to replace Barnes and Elsom and the Boks Pietersen(that lazy bum) and most notably Butch James.
The lineups have not been announced but can you imagine Mortlock and Cross in the centres?
I mean the guys are, in American calibration, 6'3 and 6'1 respectively and each close to 235 pounds. Add former rugby leaguer Tahu in the backline and if you have a wealth of talent compared to the Boks. I might add that if Mortlock were not Captain, he would not be on the side, IMHO.
He's a cow.
I wonder who will replace CJ for the Boks?
I am wondering just how much anybody can blackgurad Pieter de Villiers without getting some sort of reaction out of him. Right now he is lame.
There was an aticle about "excuses" and "expansive rugby" but that's rubbish. How about plain lack of selectable talent.
For the record, Victor Matfield is not, I repeat, not a good Captain. He may have been great for the Blue Bulls but for the Boks the captainship has hindered his play. It does happen. It also happens that great club and provincial players cannot shine on the international stage.

It's hard to be objective and fair, without being critical, when the USA's national side, its national side, goes under 46-22 to a provincial Irish, yes, provincial Irish side, Munster, on Saturday.
I don't want to appear like the Church of Scientology in its thinking that constructive criticism is a bad thing but....what else can one do?
I've heard that Pieter de Villiers has proven that he is out of his depth as the national coach of South Africa when he is on the verge of losing four consecutive test matches. I won't go that far regarding the USA because that wouldn't be true. After forty years of grunt, the Americans should expect a bit more than a trundelling by an Irish side that doesn't even regard the sport of rugby as one of her own.
Scott Johnson has nothing to do with it. He isn't in the same position of taking world champions to world chumps in six months.
At the same time to defend the Flintstones would not be right either.
If one watched the match between Munster and the USA, it ios obvious that in rugby terms the two are on different planets.
As usual, all opinions offered up are my own.
First of all, Munster did not look like Heineken Cup Champions either.
I begin by asking why would anybody want to play any match in August in Hartford, Connecticut on a lazy summer afternoon?
I'll leave that to your imagination because I have already experienced that dreadful place.
Aren't there better sides to play than provincial sides from France and Ireland.
What happened to Argentina, Chile, Uruguay, the South American countries.
What is wrong with Canada? Russia? Georgia? Portugal? I mean Italy has as much appeal as Ireland does in the States.
What is wrong with an internal tour of the USA against the best territorial sides?
At least the coaching staff is familiarized with the player pool..
Nothing is gained or lost by the Munster and Clermont Auvergne matches except holiday down time for THEM.
There is no good in playing out the game for anybody. The better side won.
How best to remedy the problem?
1. Try installing a new captain. This one is not doing anything except playing.
2. Try, like Pieter de Villiers, at installing an innovative style based on the American, not on the Australian or the New Zealander or the Pommie.
3. Try replacing the blue blazers with administrators who know and care. It's no good being pushed around by the likes of the RFU and Setanta.
4. Try pleasing the Americans first and foremost. Hopw about meeting somebody's expectations other than a group of bloody foreigners.
5. Try bringing the game to the masses, no to the elite. This underprivleged angle is just that, an angle.
6. Try experimenting with something new like having two territorial national sides that each play against international competition and are governed by two distinct administrations and coaches.
7. Try introducing an American Islander team in an international Islander competition.
8. Try keeping what money there is in the USA.
9. Try organizing some side, somewhere in the USA and competing in some lower division competition, even if all the matches are away and pay the players. Build something.
10. Try upping the competition.
11. Try doing the one thing that Americans have failed moreso in rugby than in any other sport...WINNING!!!

Build another door. This one doesn't work.

I must admit I have had more entertainment watching ice melt than watching the USA Flintstones play international "rugby" against Munster.

Wowee Zowee in another two hours I will be "stomaching", as a colleague described, the Flintstones in Bedrock against the World's Greatest and Most Favourite and Feared Rugby Second and Third Side, Heineken Beer Champions, the irritating and less than formidable Munster of Ireland. Who? Yes, you heard correctly, the magical mystery tour of Munster of Ireland, who have probably beaten the New Zealand All Blacks more times than Ireland in her illustrious rugby history, somewhere in the vicinity of 125 years. Glorious! Earth Shaking! Godlike!
I can hardly wait....to puke! I am really looking forward to that. I'll have the honor of telling all my views on this heart rendering and vomitous event sometime in the next 6 hours.
It ought to be good.
I promise not top pull any punches.

I haven't seen South Africa play so poorly since one of the early matches after isolation when Johan LeRoux took a little nibble out of Sean Fitzpatrick's ear.
It was abysmal.
And, to boot, if CJ Van der Linde doesn't get three months for the head butting incident, there is no justice in this world.
Where does that leave that half -wit Pieter de Villers? Will he recall BJ Botha? That is one selection felonyBoha not being included) that should cost him his job. At the very least, BJ Botha is not as blatantly stupid as Van der Linde. Even LeRoux wasn't that idiotic. CJ should get six months for that criiminal behaviour. Rocky Elsom's crime of pulling down Matfield in the lineout is sublime in comparison.
What bothers me more than the indiscipline of the Boks and the ignorance of the Bok coaching staff and management is the uselessness of the "professional" referees. All of these incidents were within a couple of feet of the referee and linesman, who also share have the responsibility of monitoring the rugby action, and we spectators don't find out unless we spot it ourselves(which is difficult under any circumstance), are informed minutes later by the TMO or learn post match. Where were they?

I need another viewing dose to figure out what's what!
Talk about the The Emperor's New Clothes!!!

This match is easily the most difficult of the year for me. As anybody who knows me I am a huge Robbie Deans supporter. To go against the grain doesn't mean that I have lost any respect for his rugby genius but I do think that the Wallabies have more weakness than the Bokkies in South Africa.